This week, I allowed myself to be sad. I allowed myself to cry even if I couldn’t afford to break down, what with all the schoolwork I had to finish. Sheesh. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my recent life history. Every time I felt like I’ve cried my eyes raw, the tears come back. But I knew I couldn’t stay sad for very long, especially with the friends I have. There’s only so much negativity I can take; you have to get tired of being miserable sometime. I forced myself to be happy, and I’m glad it worked. I don’t want to waste my time being sad when I could be enjoying moments with the people that still matter.

I think it was a good choice to feel too much all at once.  All I needed was a week to be sad.  Now I’m okay.  I’ll use this break to recharge and get back on track.

hindi mo lang alam
naiisip kita
baka sakali nga maisip mo ako

“Oo” by Up Dharma Down is one of my favorite songs. It’s like the generic love song of every love story. It never gets old. It just fits every damn time. Haha.

kahit tayo’y mgkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nakukulitan

I watched Up Dharma Down perform last night with some friends.  I scared myself by singing along through the entire song - who knew I knew all the words? - with feelings.  Of course, they caught it all on video.

baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
ako’y nandito lang hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman.

Haha. It never gets old.

I really am an introvert. I can’t stand prolonged social activities. I know I said back during sem break that I constantly wanted to be in the company of my friends. But right now, at least for the Christmas season, I just want to be left alone. I’ll probably take a rain check on big parties and stuff.

I never was fond of Christmas, anyway.  I can’t wait for the New Year celebration, though.  Fireworks! I love fireworks.

Argh, I can’t seem to write a decent blog entry anymore.  I keep on censoring myself.  But I guess that’s a good thing, for the sake of the people involved.  But still, I don’t like this feeling of not being able to say what I want.

Things I learned this week:

• I am allergic to beer. I had 1.5 cans of San Mig Light a few nights ago and not only did I get drunk (yes, I am weak), my entire upper torso was red. Ugh.
• I talk a lot when I’m sloshed. A lot. If you want to know all my secrets, ask me when I’m drunk. I’m willing to tell just about anyone.
• I also learned that some boys like girls - all girls in general. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s a girl.
• A lot of people are sinners. Haha.

Ugh. I really need to finish my papers now. I foresee a tiring week ahead.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any weirder than they already are, this day happens.

I’m re-reading some of my blog entries and damn, I’ve been vague.  Sorry, I think blogging has lost its magic for me.  It used to be cathartic, a shock absorber of sorts (this is consistent for a lot of Filipino bloggers, according to our study, haha).  I can’t imagine not having a blog, but I’ve been dealing with things that aren’t really for public consumption, and when I’m like this, I can’t bring myself to think or write about anything else.

At least I’m better now.  I’m proud of myself, actually, for handling this better than I did the last time it happened to me.  I feel like a whole new person.  Ok, that was really corny.  But really, that’s the only way I can describe what these past few weeks have been like.  I’m so glad I’m finally learning, albeit slowly.

Perhaps the only good thing about all this is that I realized I have good friends. I have friends who willingly adopt me for a weekend because I’m home alone. I have friends who keep me from ruining things when I’m sloshed with alcohol. I have friends who answer my distress signals (i.e. call and text) and keep me distracted. I have friends who wait for my class to end just so I could pour my heart out to them. I’m surrounded by good people. Thank you, people! You know who you are. I just can’t thank you enough.

The semester’s been okay so far.  I’m back to writing papers again.  Damn it, I so didn’t miss this part of college.

By the way, I’m condoning capitalism again this year by collecting stickers for the Starbucks planner.  Coffee date, anyone?

It’s only mid-week and I’m very broke. I’m also nursing a hangover (although I’ve had worse). This isn’t like me, you know. Normally, I would rush home after my last class. But now I consciously look for people to hang out with after class, and find myself eating, drinking and talking more than I should. Where was all this when I was still staying at a boarding house in Katipunan? You know, back in my first two years of college when not only was I just a few paces away from all the fun places, but the workload pales in comparison to the stuff I have to deal with in my junior year? Why did I only start to crave for a social life now that I’m at the mercy of my parents again? Rrrr.

And later, a couple of my friends and I are going to Trinoma to watch One More Chance. We’ve been planning this movie date for days now. What.

I’m having a really shit time trying to keep my personal life in check. As usual. My stupid mouth, it’s going to get me in trouble.

Addendum: Written at the back of my org’s tambayan’s logbook:

Putanginag puso, mapagod ka naman!

Hahahahaha! That’s gold right there.

In the words of my favorite band, Death Cab for Cutie, I shouldn’t think what I’m feeling.  But I can’t help myself! This is me desperate for a distraction. I’m so tired of thinking about the same damn thing over and over again. The last sem really did a number on me, huh? It stuck around through sem break, and I still can’t seem to shake it off even now that the new sem is here. I feel so drained. Crying and alcohol don’t help anymore, whether by themselves or combined. And neither does snuggling under my sheets and listening to Death Cab all night. Because I feel like Ben Gibbard is singing my exact thoughts in prolific prose. I can’t stand it.

Emo at it’s finest. Shoot me down, someone. Or give me back the old me.

I’m enrolled!  AND I got Bio 11!  Never mind that my Mondays and Thursdays start at 7 AM and end at 5:30 PM.  At least I have my Bio.  Wheee.

The new system of registration was kind to me.  Actually, registration has always been relatively easy for me all my UP life.  In my first three semesters, CRS gave me all my classes. Last semester I was a registration assistant, so I got to skip the lines and had someone write my name down on the class list.  The only “difficult” enrollment I had was two semesters ago when I went to school at 5:30 AM to be in line for a class (I wasn’t the first to get there. Haha), and that worked out to my favor as well.

I hope this sem’s a good one.  Hooray for good vibes!

Because being part of Psychedelics means I have to help out on registration week, today is technically my last day of sem break.  Finally, something to do besides overeating.

I really hope I get a Bio 11 class.  I’ll die if I don’t.  Well, not really.  But if I don’t get it this sem I’ll have to take it over the summer.  It’s a prerequisite of one of my major classes so I must take it before fourth year.

Don’t know what else to say.  Except, maybe, I’m glad sem break’s over.